I Can't Believe I Watched the Whole Thing

I was pretty excited as I sat down to watch this year’s show, having recently tried to catch up on my lack of info on this year’s nominees.

I got comfortable on my busted futon couch at 7 PM to catch Barbara Walters’ final Oscar special and, I am not ashamed to admit it, totally wept the whole time.

And now, with something a little different from all the live-blogs going on (which I both can’t figure out how and am too lazy to do), I’ve decided to give out my own awards, for the awards show.

How meta.

First, some general notes:
They started saying “The winner is…” instead of “And the Oscar goes to…” to announce the winners again.
Did anyone else notice the horrendous sound feedback whenever the audience applauded?
I started getting fatigued and distracted by my full bladder at about 10:30. Don’t ask me why I didn’t just go to the bathroom. I can’t answer that.
Truth be told, I included two of the categories below because I expected James Cameron to be obnoxious, but (SPOILER!), then, he didn’t win.
But, overall, what a great, classy, old-fashioned show! Great work, Adam Shankman.

There were lots of wonderful moments; it was hard for me to narrow it down, as you can see.

Craziest Pre-Show Commercial:
Whoopi Goldberg for Poise liners, for incontinence

Most Entertaining Mid-Show Commercial:
The Modern Family celebrating the Oscars by doing movie-themed charades

Best Dressed:
Demi Moore, in a peach-colored Atelier Versace gown

Worst Dressed:
Molly Ringwald in something baggy, purple, and ill-gathered. Apparently, Fab Sugar liked it.

Best Host(s) Moment(s): a three-way tie between:
“Two of your favorite interests: rugby and tension between blacks and whites,” Alec Baldwin explaining why Steve Martin would like Invictus
“In our first movies, we were both born a poor, black child!” Steve Martin exclaiming what he and Gabby Sidibe, who played Precious, have in common, and
“OK, but I don’t think the plural of whores is horses!” Steve Martin introducing Sarah Jessica Parker and Tom Ford as “clotheswhores.”

Best Presenter(s) Moment(s): a tie between:
The ENTIRE interaction between Tina Fey and Robert Downey Jr., presenting Best Original Screenplay and
Tim Robbins’ dedication to Morgan Freeman: “Being a friend is getting the other a cup of coffee. Can you do that for me, Ted?”

Worst Presenter Moment:
Kristen Stewart hacking up a hairball into the mic while introducing the horror film tribute

Most Moving Speech(es):
Jeff Bridges, honoring his parents, during his Best Actor win for Crazy Heart and
Sandra Bullock’s incredibly warm and good-humored speech, accepting her Best Actress award for The Blind Side and honoring her mom

Worst Speech:
Sally Powell, winning Best Costume Design: “I already have two of these…”

Best Musical Moment(s):
The great surprise of Neil Patrick Harris’s BIG opening song, “Nobody Wants to Do It Alone,” eclipsed only by the incredible dancing to the Best Score nominees

Most Annoying Moment:
Kathy Ireland’s totally saccharine interviews on the pre-show red carpet

Most Shocking Moment(s): a tie between:
Chris Pine introducing District 9--I went to college with him and it freaks me out how famous he is now and
That abrasive woman intercepting her colleague’s speech during the short film awards

Most Satisfying Surprise(s):
Geoffrey Fletcher’s Best Adapted Screenplay win for Precious--totally deserved, I say. (I think Jason Reitman was the expected winner.)
But, really, Bigelow winning Best Director and Tom Hanks ripping that envelope before even announcing the nominees for Best Picture. Hell. Yes.

# of times my eyes welled up with tears, and yes, I am a weeper:
12 (the opening tableau with the acting nominees, the clips from The Blind Side, “The Weary Kind” winning Best Song, seeing how excited Prudence from Music by Prudence was, the reaction to Geoffrey Fletcher’s win by Sapphire, the author of Push, which Precious is based on, Maggie Gyllenhaal being overwhelmed by her own acting clip, the Precious clip, the In Memoriam segment, the mesmerizing and gravity-defying dance segment, the Best Actor dedications, the Best Actress dedications, and Sandra Bullock’s truly lovely dedication to her mother—this one actually got tears streaming)