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i have a question...

Monday, September 28, 2015

Overheard at Work, vol. CXXIV (the Final Volume)

On Thursday, September 24, I left my work after almost five years. This is the final installment of quotes from that amazing place--a place where a part of me will always live. I can't wait to see what my colleagues and all those wonderful kids do next.

Colleague A: Yo, you ever just loved salad?

8 year old boy, to me: I'm gonna try to play guitar now so I can ignore you.

Same 8 year old boy, as I raised my arm to point at him: Ew! Pits!

Me: Is 2003 the year you were born? I'm so old!
12 year old boy: You are old. You're from like 1874.

2nd grade boy, at his first visit: Nice place ya got here!

15 year old boy, talking about my departure: I don't cry but...I get achey.

12 year old boy: When you leave, can I have your wallet?

14 year old girl, to me: Did you guys party? I have the heart of a 21 year old.

12 year old boy: Why are you leaving? You've been here for like 700 years. How much money do you have?

Monday, September 14, 2015

To My Cousin's Daughter, on her Fifth Birthday

Dear E.W.E.,

Today, you’re 5! A hilarious, brilliant, willful five year old.

You just started kindergarten. In the first week, you learned about different jobs and shared things about yourself. You seemed particularly excited about learning about meteorologists and telling us about your cubby where you put your backpack.

You will likely always be the youngest in your class. I think this is the perfect situation for you because that means you will always be challenged by your classmates who are bigger. You’ll be so prideful, you will consistently work hard to stay in pace with the kids around you. But, lord knows, you’ll give them all a run for their money too.

You’re old enough now that we’ve spent some time alone together. The last time I babysat, you were so excited that we would stay up all night together! You also insisted that if you, ultimately, changed your mind and went out with your Mama, that I could stay home and do the dishes.

We shared popcorn and watched The Boxtrolls and you explained every detail, so I wouldn’t be confused. When that movie was over, you asked if I’d ever seen Ghostbusters. So we turned that on and you swiftly fell asleep on my legs.

(We’ll save staying up all night for another time, I guess.)

I wish you all the best this year, that you face new challenges head on, with your sharp mind and your wicked sense of humor, that you make lots of memories with your friends and big family, that you know that I am just one of the people who loves you so much and is here for you always.

Happy birthday!



Friday, August 28, 2015

Overheard at Work, vol. CXXIII

Summer 2015 programming ended today, in a flourish of team games, whipped cream, and friendship bracelets. It was the fastest and most grueling summer in my history there, and I am both shocked and relieved that it's over.

Me, to 7 year old boy: What was the best part of your day?
Boy: Going to the bathroom.
Me: Did you poop?
Boy: No, the best part of my day was...licking a toilet.

12 year old girl, answering "Who would play you in the movie of your life"?: Amy Schumer, Kevin Hart, or Ice Cube.

13 year old girl, to me: Did you hear that I was looking for you? It was all over the news!

7 year old girl: Everyone's hair looks nice. But some people's hair smells bad but I don't say anything about it.

Me, calling out trivia questions: What is a female adult horse called?
15 year old boy: Horsette.

Friday, August 7, 2015

Overheard at Work, vol. CXXII

I cannot discern one day from the next, and mostly, I'm just glad that it's Friday and that means I can drink ALL THE WINE.

Colleague A: *makes disgusted face* That's how you say "No" in sign language.

Colleague B: I'm eating this pizza, thinking about my life choices and wondering why I didn't wake up early to make stuffed chicken!

9 year old girl: Were you in Annie?
Me: Yes, when I was in 6th grade!
7 year old girl: Were you in the white one?

8 year old girl: She has gray hair!
7 year old girl: Oh my God, you have gray hair! What are you doing to yourself?!

12 year old boy: Annie!...Annie!...I forgot...I'll tell you later...OH! Annie! Can I have my phone?

14 year old boy, opening my snacks: I had to use my chest muscles to open this.

8 year old girl, describing the clue, "Dinosaurs": They were extinct. Like 300 years ago!

Friday, July 24, 2015

Overheard at Work, vol. CXXI

What can I tell you?

Days are long. Kids are hilarious.

Colleague A, regarding his crowded program space: I feel like I'm in the womb. With 125 siblings.

Colleague B, to me: All of my friends have seen your Dubsmashes. I have three friends.

Me, to a room of young teens: I'm running to the restroom. Don't kill each other.
13 year old girl: No promises.

13 year old girl, in an exercise where she was creating a life timeline: I'm gonna get divorced at 56.

Colleague C: I love cotton candy. It's like eating a cloud.

Me, to a 7 year old girl missing her two front teeth: You lost some teeth?
Girl: They're coming in September.
Me: You ordered them online?

9 year old boy: I can sniff better than any dog.

Colleague B: I'm bringing [Colleague D] a bagel...she's Jewish.

Me, to an 11 year old boy jumping around the room: You'll crack your face open!
Boy: I need a new face!

7 year old girl, reading "Rule #1": Rule hashtag 1.

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Overheard at Work (and in Vermont), vol. CXX

Oh heavens, so it's July.

June zoomed by in a flurry of special events, final presentations, a birthday celebration, and a graduate school reunion weekend that basically consisted of my three very good friends and me drinking for about 50 hours straight. Also some high belting and lots of laughing.

I have just survived my first week of my fifth summer at work, and I've compiled quotes from the last month or so, so we here we go!

Colleague A: It is warm enough. I can use my boomerang.

14 year old, creating the tagline for my impending birthday: 32 sexy for you!

Me, to an 8 year old boy soaked from the sprinklers: Do you have water in your ear?
Boy: I have water everywhere, I think.

Me, to my 23 year old colleague, who swiftly identified "Crossroads" by Bone Thugs n Harmony: Why do you know this song?
Colleague B: Because my dad's a thug.

Me, reflecting on my job: I feel like after this, I could run the fucking Pentagon.

7 year old boy: In three years, on November 1, I'm gonna be 8!

7 year old girl: I don't follow the rules. I don't play games. I just watch Netflix.

12 year old girl: How do you spell Impressionism?

And here are the collected quotes from my weekend of drunkenness, spent with wonderful old friends in Vermont, in celebration of our graduation from graduate school five years ago. They will likely not amuse any but ourselves.

SN: Hashtag, I was never a west.

PM, shrieking at a bug: Nature got a little too close!

SN, as we discussed dipping into the pond: Guys! I'm gonna get an infection!

Me: What's in the middle of the country?
SN: Laura Kraybill.

MW: Vagina: the city that never sleeps!

PM: All these cabinets smell like cheese.

SN: No offense, you're my best friend!

Emerson College, class of 2010 FOREVER!

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Overheard at Work, vol. CXIX

It's been another weird month. Not overwhelmingly busy but broken up by a week in Los Angeles with family and overridden with special events and prep for summer which is only two work weeks away!

8 year old boy: I'm done with homework!
Me: Where are you going now?
Boy: Australia.

10 year old boy: We have a lot of energy!
9 year old boy: STEROIDS!

10 year old girl: You went to California? Did you meet cowboy people?

18 year old girl, to her fellow (male) basketball players: Your feet don't have to stink to play ball!

Me, to a 9 year old girl: When are you going to be President?
Girl: When I'm 32.

Me, to colleague: I was definitely about to punch you in the mouth.
Colleague: You would have definitely broken your hand forever.

Teen boy: Guess whose birthday is on Sunday.
Me: Yours.
Boy: The artist, formerly known as Prince.