i have a question...

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Tips on Throwing a Successful Bachelorette Weekend in Atlantic City

1. Do not take Jet Blue to New York City. There is a 100% chance your flight will be delayed.

2. On the Greyhound bus to Atlantic City with your friends, do not make eye contact with the older lady in black basketball shorts. She may eat tuna out of a can with her hands and get dangerously close to touching you with them. She may spill soda near or on you. She may come back to the seat you are sharing with her with a long trail of toilet paper in her shorts.

3. Do not underestimate the utter importance of and satisfaction provided by an ocean view from a 12th floor hotel room. Or a swiveling television set.

4. While your bachelorette friend is showering, decorate the room with streamers and caution tape that you smuggled on the bus without her noticing. Be sure not to make too much noise or she may suspect that you're up to something.

5. Drink Jameson and ginger ale out of penis straws while listening to Bachelorette playlists.

6. Wear your bridesmaid and bride-to-be tiaras all weekend, including at the beach. Be prepared for half the people who see you to wish your bachelorette a happy birthday.

7. If you plan on seeing a strip show at Hunkomania, be prepared for some crazy shit. Shit that will make you cringe and confused. Shit that may even offend you. The Flying Wallenda move is pretty impressive though.

8. Plan to go dancing at the Casbah, but make your friend do her bachelorette party scavenger hunt there. If she tells people she's about to get married, they will eagerly do everything from fake walk her down the aisle, to handing over their condoms, to escorting her into the men's room.

9. Eat brunch at My Friends Diner, just because the name is so cute.

10. Be sure to take a walk on the boardwalk and take a couple rides at the carnival. The beach stroll from the pier to Caesars is also lovely. Drinks at Continental are highly recommended, followed by hotdogs at Nathan's and salt water taffy and fudge at Fralinger's.

11. Don't forget to surprise the bachelorette with a rousing game of Pin the Macho on the Man, preferably while drinking champagne and vodka. (Note: do not spin after each sip.)

12. The Believe drag show at Resorts is amazing. Liza and Patti LaBelle are the standouts.

13. Enjoy a three-hour-long late dinner at Buddakan.

14. Don't forget to wear your tiaras on the bus ride home.

15. End the weekend at a gay-friendly establishment like Vynl in New York City, where the waiters will announce that you're "getting married in the mornin'" and may even give you free shots at lunch.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Overheard at Work, vol. XV

Dude. Sorry.

I was really busy, getting through several weekends of intense work events.

And I'm writing TODAY because I'm going to Atlantic City with mah girlz this weekend for the first bachelorette party I have ever been to.

Yes, let the insanity ensue.

12-year-old asking for peppermints from me: One more?
Me: NO!
12-year-old, noting the packaging: Why? It's only 99 cents!

Me, providing clues as to what character I was playing, during a Hot Seat activity: I live on a street with lots of other characters just like me!
Kids: HOBO!
Me: I have two names!
Kid: Poopy Boy!

As we put up paintings in the gallery, we were instructed by one of my supervisors to put two T pins at the bottom of each piece, to avoid curling.
Colleague A: Two in the bottom?
Me: That sounds crowded!
Supervisor: Are you sure you don't need a hammer?
Colleague A: Two in the bottom!
Supervisor: I just didn't know you could use your thumbs that way!
Colleague A: Using my thumbs to get two in the bottom!

8-year-old: Are you a teenager, Annie?
Me: No! I'm much older than that!
8-year-old: You look like a teenager.
Me: Thanks!
8-year-old: You have pimples.

Talking to a kid about how he needs to manage his own money because his mother doesn't use the money he makes to pay his bills on time.
Me: Put it under your mattress.
Kid: I'm not a drug dealer. Or an old Jewish lady.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Overheard at Work, vol. XIV

Sometimes, my job requires me to wake up before 8 AM on a Saturday, put on fancy clothes, and take a band of kids to perform at a recital hall at the Berklee College of Music, where the bassist from Aerosmith is in the audience and gives the band a standing ovation.


"I've got a brain for smartness."--an 8-year-old with a shit-eating grin.

Colleague A, while we were putting things away in storage that was once a women's locker room: What is THAT? (pointing to the feminine products dispenser, on the side with the female symbol)
Me: A PAD!
Colleague A: OH! I thought it was like a Prince album or something!

Colleagues B and C are discussing books they like.
Colleague B: You like sci-fi?
Colleague C: I'm a HUGE fantasy dork!
Colleague B: Sea Dork? What's that?

While the band discussed that they should have all grown beards for the performance and that none of them COULD actually grow beards, the 17-year-old guitarist said, proudly, "I could grow a really thick fuzz!"

Friday, May 6, 2011

Overheard at Work, vol. XIII



So, it's really odd to be going through a similar experience at the end of this school year as I did every year I actually was IN school, but the next seven weeks are going to be very intense, and I keep thinking, "Oh, after May 21, when the music showcase and the big work fundraiser are over, I'll feel so relaxed," but I neglect to remember that I will then be committed to working every Saturday in June for RM AND apartment-hunting with all the spare time I have on the weekends.


I am so tired.

But I did just see my name on the walls of the Museum of Fine Arts, so maybe I shouldn't complain too much.

"Crystal Oceanista."--the name of a kid's stuffed seal. "She's a fashionista."

Me to a work study student on his last day: I know you'll miss ME! You'll miss the shot of estrogen I bring to this room.
17-year-old: Isn't estrogen illegal?
Kid: Estrogen is the female hormone.
17-year-old: Oh!
Kid: THIS is a high school senior.

Peer leader, referring to the rather inappropriate abbreviation "DTF": In hip-hop, it would be wrong. But in life, it would be right.

Me, to a very tall and lanky 14-year-old who had just knocked over some chairs in the art room: You are SUCH a clumsy kid!
Kid (with true exasperation): I'm just SO BIG!