i have a question...

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Go Celtics! (in which I don't recognize myself and then there is a surprise ending)

I have a theory about why I'm not a rabid sports fan.

I'm not exactly an obsessive person. I do things pretty moderately, all things considered. I'm not the kind of person that only likes one celebrity or team or song or genre exclusively and blindly.

My roommates, on the other hand, are pretty die-hard sports fans. 

Last year, I survived a very long basketball season of them swearing and/or cheering at the TV, which happens to be against my bedroom wall. I used to check the season schedule and count down the games--Basketball season is SO LONG!

This year, I happened to begin joining them while they watched Celtics games. 

I immediately recognized Ray Allen as Jesus from Spike Lee's He Got Game with Denzel Washington, which I have never seen.

(I die.)

And my roommates saw this as an in.

Apparently, he's one of the best three-point shooters in the NBA.

Who knew?

Anyway, several games later, once I began to appreciate the incredible hotness of some of the other players, I saw Ray (yes, I am on a first name basis; sometimes I even call him Walter) make an incredible shot.

Like, it was so good, I physically jumped up and screamed. 

My roommates knew I was hooked.

Since then, I have watched games in public, alone on my couch, and even left evenings open so I could be sure to see them.

Tonight, Game 7 of the semi-finals is on, and I am so excited about my date with Ray (even though he hasn't quite been playing his best since his ankle injury earlier in the series). 

Who have I become?

Anyway, my roommate and I were just texting about our respective plans to watch this evening.


Roommate: Oh yeah Celtics. Oh yeah.
Get it.

Me: I have a date with Ray and some hard cider and I am so excited.

Roommate: Enjoy your date with #20!

Me: Thanksssss.

Roommate: I'll enjoy my date with #34. (Those are approximate ages of the guys we date...hmmmmm.)



Saturday, May 19, 2012

Letter to a (Too) Young Man

Dear 20-mumblemumble Year Old,

I was, uncharacteristically, willing to give you a chance. Determined to keep an open mind that our differences in age, backgrounds, and stations in life were factors that would ultimately not matter if we were dating.

I didn’t even care if we ended up dating. THAT’S how open my mind was to seeing where this went.

But here is a list of things you should not do next time if what you really want, as you have recently said to me, is to just be friends with a woman.

Do not approach the woman late at night, look her up and down, linger on her discreet cleavage and say, I want to know what you’re about.

Do not look her in her eyes so intensely that she actually breaks into a sweat.

Do not tell her you have had your eye on her since the summer.

Do not call her two days later and a day after that to chat for over an hour while you’re working.

Do not text suggestively about how she must be good at role play because she has two degrees in theatre.

Do not refer to her as baby or sweetie (or sweety, as you spelled it), even in text messages.

Do not ask her what kind of man she is looking for in her life.

Do not promise that you can bring her all she longs for. If what you meant was a couple slices of pizza and a few laughs, you were unclear.

Do not promise to pick her up from work and take her somewhere special.

Do not promise that breaking your intense work schedule to come take her out on a date is no big deal.

Do not plan a lovely walk by a beach.

Do not get super focused on her jeggings and how sexy they are.

Do not agree to kiss her, swing on a swing set when she asks, or grab her hand while you walk.

Do not kiss her goodbye at her front door.

Do not send her goodnight texts.

Do not plan a movie date for her bedroom.

Do not buy her any meals.

Do not climb into her bed for 2 ½ hours to make out.

Do not check in on her daily via text message.

If you want to be her friend, then by all means, call her “buddy” and repeat the phrase, “we’re just friends” many times to her until you get the message across. That worked perfectly for me.

I hope this list is clear and that you print it out and keep it with you for future reference.

Good luck.


P.S. It’s “intentions” not “attentions.” And, while you’re at it, why don’t you look up the definitions of those words? 

Friday, May 18, 2012

Overheard at Work, vol. XLVII

This week was trying.

I need a vacation.

Fun fact: I have taken 1 1/2 days off since January 2, 1/2 a day for a 24 hour flu and 1 full day to get a root canal.

So, yes, I need a break.

Colleague, making a statement that pretty much pinned me between the eyes: You're so empathetic. You make me feel things. I think I'm OK and then I'm not sure.

11 year old boy: Are you manly?
Me: Do I look manly?
Boy: Yes.

Colleague: I bought my brother in law an ax. Because we are awesome...and men.

Me, after hearing a teen swear at the front desk: Excuse me! Please watch your language. I mean, I can handle it. But there are small children around.
8 year old: I swear at my house all the time.

Colleague: Did you just swallow your gum?
10 year old: Yep.
Colleague: Why do you swallow it instead of just walking to throw it out?
Kid: Too much work.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Overheard at Work, vol. XLVI

It's been the most insane two weeks of the year at work, starting with me getting a horrible sore throat last Wednesday, surviving a big observation, working 12 1/2 hour days two days in a row, despite my flu-like symptoms, helping our organization raise $300,000 in one night, and then organizing a field trip to an exhibit opening at the MFA just yesterday.

I'm FINALLY getting better and catching up on sleep and returning to all regularly scheduled programming.


Lateral lisp kid: I'm the god Zeus. I will break the computer!

Me: Do you like your sister's new haircut?
12 year old: It smells better.

18 year old: I had an AP test today.
Me: What subject?
Teen: Computer science
Me: I don't think they had computer science AP tests when I was in high school.
Teen's BF: Did they even have computers when you were in high school?

Colleague: I saw a chipmunk outside and I almost took the day off.