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I turn 30 four weeks from today.
London. Busted lip and tits out. Acting in a garden. Grateful. Berkeley. Apartment
8. Making out all night. Walk of shame. Fiona Apple and scraping paint.
Flappers to Rappers. Call the cops. Climb up my balcony. Shots shots shots
shotsshotsshots. Cacophony. Splattered walls. Best friends. Going to class
hungover. He told me he was sad and I was the only person who would understand.
Falling in love with the wrong person. Writing songs. Running away. Smoking
weed and listening to Jeff Buckley. Food poisoning stoned. I need him. Breaking
down over the sink because I felt ugly. Hooking up with a freshman. Making art
New York City.
Is this still home? Sublet in Brooklyn. Unemployment saga #1. Soliciting for
the North Shore Animal League for two weeks. Iced coffee with half and half and
sugar. 12 hour days on my feet outside in August. Quitting. 23 interviews in 4
months. Chinese food for lunch and dinner. Living on Luna bars. Dripping sweat
under a skylight. Watching Starting Over
with Iyanla Vanzant and Garden State.
Bleeding out money. Storms, dripping ceiling, fly infestation. Soho loft.
Commuting on the F train. East 66th Street and York Avenue. Filing for
hours and ordering pizza for office lunches. Reading blogs. Mom leaving 2nd husband. Sobbing on a train platform. Frequenting
Off the Wagon near NYU specifically to make out with boys in corners. None called.
Smoking cigarettes on lunch breaks and my commute. Convinced I needed to go to
a mental institution. First and only black out on New Year's Eve.
Park Slope. Bar up the street. Within walking distance of childhood home but
feeling a world away. Starting a blog. Heavy heart. Self-hate. Feeling lost and
alone. Writing to soothe. Crying on the train home from a bar. Deciding to
leave New York. There is nothing for me here. Grad school? Revelation of
future. Volunteering with kids, and I can breathe. Quitting my job. Moving
across the country. Again.
Obispo. No money. Living with mom. White wine and American Idol. Three
productions in eight months. Fast and furious connections. Becoming a gym rat.
Feeling hot. Grad school! Boston! Is this home? Apartment down the street from
my cousin. Who are your people? Why are you here? What is your work? Joining
Facebook. Breakdowns in class; I don't know if I can do this. Debilitating
anxiety. Talks about race and age and sex. Letting go. Teaching at camp, which
fulfills a decade-long dream. Teachers drink. Student teachers drink more.
Writing a play. Revealing a wish to be myself. Crying in despair and grief over
chicken nuggets. Champagne and cookies to console me. Graduation and tattoos.
Another summer at camp. The room changes when I am in it.
saga #2. Hours-long interviews. Commiserating at McDonald’s. Chin hairs and
lactose intolerance. Elle is born. Defending my work experience. Feeling proud
but frustrated. Writing a novel. Fighting for a dream job and getting it.
Online dating. Falling for an alcoholic. Redhead. Gaining confidence in my
work. Getting a smartphone. Heartbreak and heart full of kids. Discovering and
gaining pride in my body. Hooking up with a cheater. And then another one.
Living with an alcoholic. Kicking both alcoholics out of my life. Brunette.
Trampolining. Yoga. Excelling in my work. Finding my voice. Always learning. Feet
on the ground and head up. Moving forward steadily.
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