Letter to a (Too) Young Man

Dear 20-mumblemumble Year Old,

I was, uncharacteristically, willing to give you a chance. Determined to keep an open mind that our differences in age, backgrounds, and stations in life were factors that would ultimately not matter if we were dating.

I didn’t even care if we ended up dating. THAT’S how open my mind was to seeing where this went.

But here is a list of things you should not do next time if what you really want, as you have recently said to me, is to just be friends with a woman.

Do not approach the woman late at night, look her up and down, linger on her discreet cleavage and say, I want to know what you’re about.

Do not look her in her eyes so intensely that she actually breaks into a sweat.

Do not tell her you have had your eye on her since the summer.

Do not call her two days later and a day after that to chat for over an hour while you’re working.

Do not text suggestively about how she must be good at role play because she has two degrees in theatre.

Do not refer to her as baby or sweetie (or sweety, as you spelled it), even in text messages.

Do not ask her what kind of man she is looking for in her life.

Do not promise that you can bring her all she longs for. If what you meant was a couple slices of pizza and a few laughs, you were unclear.

Do not promise to pick her up from work and take her somewhere special.

Do not promise that breaking your intense work schedule to come take her out on a date is no big deal.

Do not plan a lovely walk by a beach.

Do not get super focused on her jeggings and how sexy they are.

Do not agree to kiss her, swing on a swing set when she asks, or grab her hand while you walk.

Do not kiss her goodbye at her front door.

Do not send her goodnight texts.

Do not plan a movie date for her bedroom.

Do not buy her any meals.

Do not climb into her bed for 2 ½ hours to make out.

Do not check in on her daily via text message.

If you want to be her friend, then by all means, call her “buddy” and repeat the phrase, “we’re just friends” many times to her until you get the message across. That worked perfectly for me.

I hope this list is clear and that you print it out and keep it with you for future reference.

Good luck.

Annie

P.S. It’s “intentions” not “attentions.” And, while you’re at it, why don’t you look up the definitions of those words? 

Overheard at Work, vol. XLVII

This week was trying.

I need a vacation.

Fun fact: I have taken 1 1/2 days off since January 2, 1/2 a day for a 24 hour flu and 1 full day to get a root canal.

So, yes, I need a break.

Colleague, making a statement that pretty much pinned me between the eyes: You're so empathetic. You make me feel things. I think I'm OK and then I'm not sure.

11 year old boy: Are you manly?
Me: Do I look manly?
Boy: Yes.

Colleague: I bought my brother in law an ax. Because we are awesome...and men.

Me, after hearing a teen swear at the front desk: Excuse me! Please watch your language. I mean, I can handle it. But there are small children around.
8 year old: I swear at my house all the time.

Colleague: Did you just swallow your gum?
10 year old: Yep.
Colleague: Why do you swallow it instead of just walking to throw it out?
Kid: Too much work.

Overheard at Work, vol. XLVI

It's been the most insane two weeks of the year at work, starting with me getting a horrible sore throat last Wednesday, surviving a big observation, working 12 1/2 hour days two days in a row, despite my flu-like symptoms, helping our organization raise $300,000 in one night, and then organizing a field trip to an exhibit opening at the MFA just yesterday.

I'm FINALLY getting better and catching up on sleep and returning to all regularly scheduled programming.

Fewf.

Lateral lisp kid: I'm the god Zeus. I will break the computer!

Me: Do you like your sister's new haircut?

12 year old: It smells better.

18 year old: I had an AP test today.

Me: What subject?

Teen: Computer science

Me: I don't think they had computer science AP tests when I was in high school.

Teen's BF: Did they even have computers when you were in high school?

Colleague: I saw a chipmunk outside and I almost took the day off.

Overheard at Work, vol. XLV

Good God, this week was long.

I just looked back at the quotes I jotted down earlier this week and they seem like they came from months ago.

10-year-old girl, after the end of a brief monologue about attending the "Our Changing Bodies" seminar at school: They give us pads. (defensively) What?

While checking in on an inventing activity, in which they were constructing weight-bearing chairs out of cardboard boxes:
Me: That one actually looks really comfortable.
Colleague: You should go test it.
Me: It looks like it's made for an 11-year-old boy, not a 28-year-old woman.
Colleague (to kid): Ooooh, she called you...11.

Social work intern, while killing time (to a kid): Hey, you wanna get psychoanalyzed?
Kid: You wanna get your head squished?

12-year-old, singing: Do you know the muffin man, the muffin man, the muffin man?
Colleague: Dude. Stop.

9-year-old: Annie, will you shove me in the vending machine?

Colleague: My (other) boss kicked my butt today in our workout. I'll be ripped in like...20 years.

Colleague: Do you ever feel like your water bottle is your fourth arm?

Volunteer, while setting up a riddle: So there's a midget...
Me: Excuse me, the word is little person.
Him: Little person. Dwarf.
Me: No! Dwarf is a totally different diagnosis!
Him: It is?
Me: Yeah, dwarf is regular-sized face, weird body.
(How un-PC is THAT? Oof.)

Overheard at Work, vol. XLIV

Even with Monday off (as compensation for us all working the Saturday of our big annual fundraiser), this week felt endless. Not to mention that we were open from 8:30 to 5:30 every day and there were kids in the building from the moment the doors were opened until the moment the doors were closed.

Have you ever tried to get work done in a building full of children? It's really hard.

I was in the middle of such intense work mode yesterday that I assumed TODAY was Friday.

7-year-old in the computer lab: Can I move to another computer?
Me: Why?
Kid: Because this computer is too slow and it's causing me very stressful.

At the park:
Me: Oh my God, those bugs are mating!
10-year-old, while running from across the park: THEY'RE MATING?! I WANNA SEE!!!
...
Kid: I think one of them is sick and the other is taking him to the hospital.

While playing a game, in which a 12-year-old was cheating:
Me: I'm gonna kick you.
Kid: I've got a hankering for a spankering.

As a kid asked me for some money so he could go to the store:
Me: My wallet's not on me.
12-year-old nearby: What? You don't have your wallet?
Me: No, it's just not on my body. It's in my purse.
Kid: Somebody could steal it.
Me: Nah.
Kid, getting up to leave: Hey! Let's go rob Annie!

Overheard at Work, vol. XLIII

The benefit to it being BANANAS at work is that the week goes quickly. This week ended with our annual music showcase, where our band and winner of our annual singing competition both performed.

This year, we made the event a field trip so I traveled with 4 staff and 30 kids to the theatre and back last night, on about 6 hours of sleep and a mild hangover from the night before...

Here's to a three-day weekend full of pretty much NOTHING (save some spring cleaning, laundry, and light shopping.)

Lateral lisp kid, unprompted, as per usual: I am a true American!
Me: Really?
Him: NO!

In one of my acting programs, we were playing Bus Stop, where the kids' objective is to convince the person sitting on a bench that he should give up his seat. It's about character and tactic. The tactic inevitably turns to threatening physical violence:
8th grade boy: If you don't move, I will kill you.
Me: How about you try something BESIDES threatening to kill him?
Him: OK OK. I will give you brownies!

Lateral lisp kid was exclaiming to himself that BFF could mean something BESIDES Best Friend Forever, that is, that the F could stand for a bad word. Then he experimented:
Kid: You're my BFC. Best Freckled Staff.
(Yes, that is a direct quote.)

10 year old, looking at a hardboiled egg: How do you unlock this?

Teen, mildly fearful of the strings of a rug sticking out from under a door: What is that?
Me: It's the rug unraveling.
Teen: I thought it was a monster.

He and I were discussing that I hadn't had a day off except to get a root canal or be sick since January 1 (true story).
Teen: Well, technically, weekends are your days off. You just need to use them to the fullest. Get your bubble bath on.

9 year old, in a debate with my music teacher:
Teacher: Girls are gross.
Girl: Boys have a ridickilous stuffy nose.
(That's how she pronounced it, not how it's spelled. Obvi.)

Overheard at Work, vol. XLII

Good God, it's early April. So, just an FYI, this is total insane crunch time at work. Like, I'm talking five big events in as many weeks. Long hours, lots of sleepless nights.

The season of drinking has begun.

I was so tired this Thursday and Friday that I thought I was getting the flu. My whole body was fatigued. I'm not entirely sure why, except it must partly be stress.

Anyway, I apologize for my radio silence. I didn't collect that many quotes last week because I was too busy running around.

A 10-year-old's exclamation at my heated discussion of The Hunger Games with a teen: "What in the world?"
Me: "Where in the world is Carmen San Diego?"
Her: "I don't know!"

Me: How old do you think I am?
8-year-old: 39.

Me: Please put that [large, round stool] down.
Lateral lisp kid: OK. (holding it like a steering wheel) I'm driving a car. I hate driving because my license picture is ugly.

Me, while looking at the surprisingly lower grades of a super good 8-year-old student: What happened here?
Her: My teacher has been out because she's on maternity ward!

Me, exclaiming at the stains on an 11-year-old's sweatshirt: How'd you get all that...schmageggi all over your sweater?
10-year-old near by: It's schmagetti sauce!