Letter to a (Too) Young Man

Dear 20-mumblemumble Year Old,

I was, uncharacteristically, willing to give you a chance. Determined to keep an open mind that our differences in age, backgrounds, and stations in life were factors that would ultimately not matter if we were dating.

I didn’t even care if we ended up dating. THAT’S how open my mind was to seeing where this went.

But here is a list of things you should not do next time if what you really want, as you have recently said to me, is to just be friends with a woman.

Do not approach the woman late at night, look her up and down, linger on her discreet cleavage and say, I want to know what you’re about.

Do not look her in her eyes so intensely that she actually breaks into a sweat.

Do not tell her you have had your eye on her since the summer.

Do not call her two days later and a day after that to chat for over an hour while you’re working.

Do not text suggestively about how she must be good at role play because she has two degrees in theatre.

Do not refer to her as baby or sweetie (or sweety, as you spelled it), even in text messages.

Do not ask her what kind of man she is looking for in her life.

Do not promise that you can bring her all she longs for. If what you meant was a couple slices of pizza and a few laughs, you were unclear.

Do not promise to pick her up from work and take her somewhere special.

Do not promise that breaking your intense work schedule to come take her out on a date is no big deal.

Do not plan a lovely walk by a beach.

Do not get super focused on her jeggings and how sexy they are.

Do not agree to kiss her, swing on a swing set when she asks, or grab her hand while you walk.

Do not kiss her goodbye at her front door.

Do not send her goodnight texts.

Do not plan a movie date for her bedroom.

Do not buy her any meals.

Do not climb into her bed for 2 ½ hours to make out.

Do not check in on her daily via text message.

If you want to be her friend, then by all means, call her “buddy” and repeat the phrase, “we’re just friends” many times to her until you get the message across. That worked perfectly for me.

I hope this list is clear and that you print it out and keep it with you for future reference.

Good luck.

Annie

P.S. It’s “intentions” not “attentions.” And, while you’re at it, why don’t you look up the definitions of those words?