Seems Like When I Wasn't Bored, I Was Crying

I wasn’t able to blog the Oscars last year because I got hit with a 24-hour fever and could not leave my bed. But I am obsessive enough of a fan that I woke up the next morning and YouTubed every actor acceptance speech. (Meryl Streep wins Best Speech of All Time!)

I’m so excited to have the living room to myself, be full of mac n cheese, be drinking Pinot Grigio, and be watching and blogging the Oscars once again this year!

Best Dressed: Stacy Kiebler, followed closely by Naomi Watts, Reese Witherspoon and Jessica Chastain.

Worst Dressed: Anne Hathaway, who looks like she is tweaking her own nipples in this picture, followed closely by Kristen Stewart and Melissa McCarthy.

Best Joke in Seth MacFarlane’s opening: re. Roman Coppola's family legacy --“Mom! I got an A!” “Oh really? Literally every person you’re related to has an Oscar!” (The entire opening was a THRILL.)

Moment that Made Me Cry #1: Channing Tatum and Charlize Theron’s pas de deux (genuinely lovely, unexpected, and emotional).

Least Funny Presenters Who Are Paid to Be Funny: Paul Rudd and Melissa McCarthy with their lame voice bits, introducing Best Animated Short, followed closely by Seth MacFarlane as Ted (with Mark Wahlberg).

Moment that Made Me Cry #2: Reese Witherspoon. Don’t ask me to explain.

Moment that Made Me Cry #3: The first Best Picture montage, especially Quvanzhane Wallis. Oh. My. God.

Least Funny Presenters Who Aren’t Paid to Be Funny: The Avengers cast.

Funniest Presenters Who Aren’t Paid to Be Funny: Jennifer Aniston and Channing Tatum, discussing waxing. (I guess she’s paid to be funny, but he was funnier.)

Best Bond Tribute Moment: Shirley Bassey fucking KILLING IT.

Worst Joke Made by Seth MacFarlane: Reducing Jessica Chastain’s performance in Zero Dark Thirty to a joke about women “never being able to let things go.”

Biggest Disappointment(s): Catherine Zeta-Jones’s lip sync in the movie musical montage. Catherine, we hardly knew ye. Also, the performance by the cast of Les Mis. (Except for Samantha Barks and Aaron Tveit. Sometimes you have to leave the singing to the theatre stars. Sorrynotsorry.) 

Moment that Made Me Cry #4: Paul N.J. Ottoson’s thanking his father during his acceptance speech for Sound Editing forZero Dark Thirty.

Moment that Made Me Cry #5: Adele beginning to sing “Skyfall.” And then I was disappointed that she didn’t BUST OUT.

Moment that Made Me Cry #6: All those ABC commercials, featuring Modern Family.

Best Cher Impression: Barbra Streisand.

Moment that Made Me Cry #7: The Chasing Ice song. What is WRONG with me?

Moment that Made Me Cry #8: Adele’s overwhelmed face at her Best Song win, followed by her pulling herself together. And then her weepy speech. (First real tears of the night. I love her.)

Moment that Made Me Cry #9: The genuine moment between Dustin Hoffman and Charlize Theron when he complimented her dancing and she got embarrassed. (I love it when actors show they’re human.)

Worst Example of Oscar-winning Writing Talent: Quentin Tarantino’s ending his winning Best Original Screenplay speech with “peace out!”

Biggest Surprise: Ang Lee’s win for Best Director!

Moment that Made Me Cry #10: Naomi Watts’s clip from The Impossible. I can NEVER see that movie. Ever.

Most Unforgettable Moment of the Night: Jennifer Lawrence fully FALLING on her way to accept her Best Actress Oscar.

Moment that Made Me Cry #11: Daniel Day-Lewis. (Second bout of real tears.)

Best Speech of the Night: Daniel Day-Lewis. Way to make us cry and then laugh and then cry again, sir. Joking about playing Margaret Thatcher, acknowledging that his wife has lived with many strange men, as he’s played all those parts, and generally being a motherfuckin’ poet, as per usual.

Most Delightfully Lecherous Phrase Used by a Presenter: Jack Nicholson: “Sequins, chiffon, blush, ringlets.”

Moment that Made Me Cry #12: Ben Affleck’s classy, emotional, soulful, tearful speech, after winning Best Picture for Argo.

And, I gotta say, an Oscar telecast that ends with a song with the c-word in it ain’t half bad in my book.

Goodnight!