I Almost Died Today

So, I was on the bus today. Sitting in a seat by the window, across from the back door.

About halfway through the ride, I was overwhelmed by the smell of shitty men's body spray.

You know that smell.

A fragrance that transports you back to middle school dances in the mid- to late 90s, when you slow danced at the end of the night to K-Ci and JoJo.

It smells like what I imagine Justin Bieber smells like.

I can't deny it's a scent that used to arouse me. But what 12-year-old girl could ever deny the smell of Axe?

Today, at one of the stops, I noticed that the back bus door wasn't opening and then the woman sitting next to me suddenly shot up and bolted to the front of the bus.

I thought I'd freaked her out with the Glee playlist playing on my iPod.

But then I looked down and there was what looked like smoke coming in the open door from the outside.

I figured the engine was busted and we'd have to disembark and find another bus.

But it was a cloud of body spray.

A freak accident had occurred!

The open door had lodged a spray bottle against the side of the bus and was pressing it, sending Axe fumes into the bus, only a couple feet away from me.

The spray continued until a man valiantly kicked the bottle out of the bus. And I noticed an acrid taste in the back of my mouth, as I tried hard not to inhale any more of the too-sweet cologne.

I gulped fresh air the next time the bus stopped and the back door opened.

What a horrible obituary headline that would have been: Bus Full of People Dead by Asphyxiation from Double Pits to Chesty Men's Cologne Spray.