AI Finale

Here we go, everyone! The Battle of the Davids! Are you ready? I AM! I’ve even avoided the internet since I got home, so we can get started right away, blissfully ignorant!

Everyone’s so excited! 97.5 million votes worth of excitement, in fact! 56% for one contestant and 44% for the other is a big margin! I also notice, everyone in Utah is blonde.

I’m even more excited about So You Think You Can Dance than about tonight’s results! I forgot about some of the Top 12: anyone remember David Hernandez?

But wait, we don’t want David Cook to make a record like Nickleback! NO! I heart David harmony. I’m glad they’re both such good singers for moments like this. They should do a single together! (David Cook looks super hot in his jeans and leather, btw.)

Who else sort of resents The Love Guru plug? Raise your hand o/ That is until they actually met Mike Myers: MARISKA HARGITAY, BOOM BOOM IN YOUR PULL-UPS! And Archie caught the shaving cream! Oh man. Priceless.

Syesha is back singing “Waiting For You” with SEAL(!), and she looks real pretty. This isn’t very exciting to me though. Or very good. Gotta say. And Jason’s back singing “Hallelujah.” I hope he’s having a good time, for once.

(I always love the nostalgiac Ford ads the best.) Didn’t the boys watch last year’s results show? We know they win cars.

The Top 6 girls are singing a Donna Summer medley. I wonder how Amanda feels about singing these songs. I also wonder if Carly is wearing black tights because she’s so very pale. Donna Summer needs a new weave or wig or whatever that is. Ryan breaking is the highlight of the show for me, so far. I still remain unmoved by the show in general.

Carly and Michael are singing TOGETHER. They’re totally besties. (MY best friend wanted the finale to be between Carly and David Cook, so that it could be Battle of the Belters, instead of Battle of the Davids. That WOULD have been fun!) These two should totally start an act together, and they were officially both eliminated far before they should have been. But hey, they’re the Un-American Idols, so what can you do?

Jimmy Kimmel is out to provide commentary on the season. (Things I actually laughed at: Rosemary and Satan Cowell and the Simon montage).

Top 6 guys are up to sing some Bryan Adams songs. I MISS CHIKEZIE! I like this; I think it’s going to be a good tour with all these kids! And also, David Cook is handsy—his big mitt was all up on Bryan Adams’s shoulder.

David Cook and ZZ Top singing “Sharp Dressed Man.” Excellent. Cook totally has guyliner on tonight, and I love him for it. Blake Lewis is a Cook fan, and I think he lost some weight. I can only imagine what Archuleta will be singing tonight and with whom. What’ll you bet it’s some Phil Collins business or like Celine Dion?

Brooke White and Graham Nash? Good for her! That’s got to feel good. But maybe not as good as being barefoot while she sings with him. This wins for best moment of the night, so far, and I’m not even crying.

OMG! DAVID COOK ON A GUITAR HERO COMMERCIAL! IN HIS UNDERWEAR!

I’m too old to really know who the Jonas Brothers are. Isn’t that sad? And so, we’re fastforwarding through their performance. Sorry.

And then there’s the obligatory reel of highlights and low lights from the audition rounds. Let’s move on. Although, we do still laugh about the guy who sang about letting his people go. Like once a week. I also sort of love and hate that the USC marching band have joined Renaldo onstage. (I also sort of generally loved and hated this entire season; my relationship with the show is very complicated. I think we’re fizzling.)

This One Republic song is ALL OVER THE PLACE. Ooh, this is a good one! Much better than Archie singing with Phil Collins or Celine Dion. I’m glad. (He’s such a better singer than the lead singer.)

And Jordin Sparks is back and still fake as ever! Who cares? Not me! Those back-up singers better get good money for their work; they’re pretty solid, always singing, and they rarely get any thanks.

Oh my God, Robert Downey Jr. can MOVE! I had no idea! (I did know that Jack Black was a dancer.) I’m totally seeing Tropic Thunder. Who’s with me? 2/3 of that group are my boyfriends, fyi. I’ll leave it to you to guess which ones they are.

Carrie Underwood was voted the favorite American Idol winner of all time on an AOL poll. I don’t like her outfit. She’s become an impressive wailer. That is all.

DAVID ARCHULETA IN A GUITAR HERO COMMERCIAL! IN HIS UNDERWEAR! OMG! (Cook’s was much more convincing.)

The Top 12 are back, singing George Michael songs! I completely approve of the songs that have been sung tonight, and I think it’s been a pretty entertaining show! (I’ve found myself singing outloud on several occasions, and I’m pretty sure it’s not just the red wine.) Every man looks better in a hot black suit. Period. It’s a pretty attractive bunch in general this year, isn’t it?

Who’s ready for some results? DVR is totally going to cut this broadcast off, and I’m going to have to look up the winner online. We don’t care who wins, either, Simon! They’re both great.

I’m pissed. I’m never watching DVR again. “The winner of American Idol 2008 is David.” Literally. I had to look it up on Google.

The end.

P.S. Don't know how I feel about all this. Certainly an anticlimactic end to a strange season. I'm glad he won, I guess, and surprised. I wish I could have seen it. I hope he makes a good record. I wish him all the best. I hate DVR.

P.S.S. Just watched a crappy quality Youtube video of the win. Everyone was so HAPPY! The judges were ecstatic! I love that! I think David Cook will be one of the most successful Idols of all time. (He's close to my favorite AI contestant of AI history.) If he sticks to his guns and gets to be as creative as we've seen him be, he'll be just fine! OK, now I'll be able to sleep tonight. Fewf!