Vagina Problems

I KNEW THAT WOULD GET YOUR ATTENTION!

Don't worry, all is well in my bathing suit area.

No, this is a story about the one-too-many mishaps I've had in the last two months attempting to audition for the acclaimed play, "The Vagina Monologues."

Several months ago, a Facebook friend of mine posted auditions for the show, and it struck me that it was a perfect opportunity for me to dip my toe back into performing. Truth is, I haven't auditioned for anything in almost five years and haven't exactly felt I had the time to devote myself to the whole process, as my hours are weird and I'm often super wiped out at the end of the day.

It turned out that play was just happening at her school and I wasn't eligible to audition.

But my radar was running and I did some research to find two local productions that I figured I'd try out for, without any expectations.

Mid-December, I strategized an outfit, packed my makeup bag, and headed to work, whispering to people about my plan.

A colleague from work offered to drive me to the audition location near Central Square, and when I saw the small building at the audition address, I became apprehensive. I had time to sit at a Starbucks and eat some dinner and do my makeup, then headed back to the audition site, which looked remarkably like a residence.

I checked and rechecked the address on my phone.

Turned out there was an identical address in Davis Square, and I was two train stops away, just far enough that I'd miss my audition time.

I wrote a brief email to the director, informing her I couldn't make it and went home, perturbed but also slightly amused at my bad luck. And the lack of clarity in their information.

Luckily, there was another production I had on my calendar to audition for. I have been sick all week but was determined to make time for the audition, so I planned it into my Saturday, showered, did my hair and makeup, threw on my audition outfit, and my cousin and I headed to Copley Square this afternoon.

Arriving a little bit before auditions were supposed to start, my cousin and I asked around, once we found the address, but nobody in the building knew about the production. I asked at the front desk on the first floor, 2nd floor, even ventured upstairs and into the basement. Doors were closed, locked, and nobody had any information.

My cousin and I both searched and searched for any audition updates (thank the sweet Lord for smartphones), but all evidence said I was in the right place at the right time.

At about 20 after, I saw a young woman carrying a box of pens and a stack of papers enter the library, where auditions were supposed to be held, and was sure it would all work out.

She too knew nothing about the auditions.

So I typed a quick inquiring email to the director and headed out to have lunch, determined that it just wasn't meant to be.

Apparently, audition times had been changed due to a scheduling conflict with the space.

Maybe I'd have better luck trying out for "The Penis Monologues."

Best of 2010

I know you've been eagerly anticipating this list ALL YEAR LONG.

I did something smart this year and actually kept track of all these things as I read or saw them.

(Keep in mind that not all of these were actually produced this year. This just happens to be the year I discovered them.)


BOOKS

The Hours by Michael Cunningham
Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott
Couldn’t Keep it to Myself by Wally Lamb and the Women of York Correctional Institute
How Did You Get This Number by Sloane Crosley
The Hunger Games Trilogy by Suzanne Collins

MOVIES

Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire
Up in the Air
Fantastic Mr. Fox
Crazy Heart
Rachel Getting Married
Every Little Step
Inception
Peter and Vandy
The Cove
The Social Network
Beautiful Daughters

MUSIC

Lungs by Florence + the Machine, especially “Cosmic Love”
For Your Entertainment by Adam Lambert
Recovery by Eminem, especially "Love the Way You Lie"
The Suburbs by Arcade Fire, especially “Ready to Start”
“Breakeven” by The Script
“Uncharted” by Sara Bareilles
The Lady Killer by Cee Lo Green, especially “Wildflower”

THEATER

In the Heights National Tour
The Adding Machine at BCA
August: Osage County National Tour
Endgame at Steppenwolf
Circle Mirror Transformation at BCA
This is How and The Golden Lasso at Perishable Theatre

Happy holidays, everyone!!! Thanks for reading!

Overheard in the Classroom (or Kids These Days), vol. XIV, the Special Edition

I visited my kids today, for the last time this year, since I'm heading out of town Thursday and will be back for only 48 hours before I'm gone again for the summer. They still have more than two weeks of school left!

I can't even express how lovely it was to NOT teach them today. I got so many hugs and everyone was so happy to see me. It's amazing how unflinching their love is when I'm not their teacher.

And, of course, they cracked me the eff up.

"Can I have another copy of the assignment?"--one of the high schoolers, treating me as if I'd never left. I got asked by several others if they could leave to use the bathroom. Old habits die hard, I suppose.

"We're selling a happy ending."--another high schooler's answer for the commercial project they were working on. I don't think I was supposed to hear him, but I thought it was hilarious.

"You know black people can't afford jewelry, girl."--one of my favorites, asserting to me that the ethnicity of the demographic they'd be selling jewelry to for their commercial project would NATURALLY be white.

Me: Have you missed me?
Kid: No.
And I believed him.

"I'm gonna start reading the dictionary to improve my vocabulary."--one of the 8th graders, explaining his plans to become a better rapper and lyricist. I assured him he could read regular books too. Even books that he LIKED!

"We're gonna hook you up when we get famous."
"Hopefully, it'll happen faster than expected."--my two favorite 8th graders, making this future teacher proud.

"Subpoena! Subpenis!"--an 8th grader...being an 8th grader. He also spent the entire class doing humping motions.

I missed them so.

Tourist Tips for a Weekend in Chicago

1. If possible, stay in a hotel that is close to public transportation. This will make exploring this gorgeous, easily-accessible city even easier.
1a. Do not discount a hotel simply because it does not have a bar. Friendly staff, comfortable beds, free breakfast buffet, and a waffle maker nearly make up for this lack.
1b. In terms of riding the "L," REALLY stay clear of the doors. They can eat you.
1c. The gong sound you hear on the train is not some nearby church bell tolling the time. That lovely sound is the "L" indicating that the doors are about to eat you.

2. If you have a chance to see Sex and the City 2, don't.
2a. Even the two glasses of Prosecco you order at the fancy movie theatre will not make the movie any less offensive or depressingly unamusing.

3. If you notice a waitress sneaking around the alleyway after you’ve just ordered two beers at an outdoor bar, she may, in fact, be spontaneously quitting. Don’t worry though, another waitress is sure to be with you shortly.

4. Be warned: The crispy red snapper they serve at Sushi Samba Rio comes with a face.

5. Walking through Millennium Park and by the water is an ideal activity for any sunny day.
5a. Remember to wear sensible shoes.
5b. Don’t be afraid to ask other tourists to photograph you and your friends. But also, don’t wait around for twenty minutes, searching for the EXACT right person to take your picture. Any schmoe will do.

6. See a play at the Steppenwolf Theatre.

7. Sometimes, when you THINK the perfect snack would be either a Chicago-style hotdog or a slice of deep-dish pizza, the ACTUAL perfect snack is Chicago-mix popcorn from Garrett's: cheddar popcorn and caramel popcorn made separately and mixed into cheesy, sweet perfection.
7a. Eat in the park, if possible. While playing I Spy, if you can manage it.

8. The rooftop bar at The Wit Hotel is a scene. Enter at your own risk. However, drinks and snacks there are excellent.
8a. Avoid groups of sleazy, European men, unless they offer to share their champagne with you. In which case, have at it.

9. A late night supper at Park Grille is a superb way to end a really long, hot, eventful day. I recommend you order the crab cake and the house salad.

10. Sharing buffalo wings and a vegi deep-dish pizza is a good way to feel better about yourself after having a fat day while shopping. Especially if you’ve been looking for a birthday party dress and everything you tried on made you feel gross.

11. The Architectural Boat Tour is worth the price and will provide you with a deeper appreciation of the buildings that have surrounded you all weekend. And free cookies.

12. Be aware: The Sears Tower is now called the Willis Tower.
12a. Go to the Sky Deck. It’s super fun and educational.
12b. Standing 103 floors above Chicago actually makes you feel high. As in, not sober.

13. The walk to Tamarind on Wabash Avenue is sketchy. Take a cab.
13a. And keep the "L" tracks over you as a guide, otherwise you'll be confused as to how you ended up on this street instead of that one.

14. Take the bus to the Museum of Science and Industry. Not only will you be excited that you’re using public transportation so expertly but you will get a nice tour of the outskirts of the city.
14a. Here, you can enjoy such exciting exhibits as touring the U505 submarine, or seeing the development of a human fetus week by week, or attend a special lecture called “Poop Happens,” or watch as a 13-foot heart matches your very own pulse.
14b. Try not to go on a day the President is visiting or when it’s spontaneously pouring.
14c. And, by all means, check your departing flight status before you get back on the bus to return to the city. You can spend a whole day there, and it’s more fun than sitting in an airport for five hours.

15. Remember, the remedy for avoiding a nasty hangover often involves a long walk back to the hotel.
15a. Be sure to buy SmartWater and/or Vitamin Water on the way to stave off dehydration. Sometimes Pretzel M&Ms are appropriate as well.
15b. The mimosa bar and hangover helper (virtually nachos covered in eggs) at Sweetwater on Michigan Avenue also help.

Safe travels!

Chic(k)ago

Once, what feels like a lifetime ago, S and I decided that MTV should create a reality TV show about us. I think this was when my life consisted of more than this.

I'm pretty sure we decided the show should be called Chic(k)ago.

She can correct me if I'm wrong.

UPDATE: We actually called it Chi(ck)-Town. Pretty bad.

Anyway, we planned a happy graduation getaway in Chicago many months ago, since she couldn't be at commencement. Thus, I will be away from blogging until at least Monday night. Don't cry!

Here are some clues as to what we will be doing for the next four days:

+

Yes, that is a plus sign between the poster and the champagne. Be jealous. And intrigued. It's cooler than you think.

Overheard in the Classroom (or Kids These Days), vol. XIII (the Final Edition)

It's late, and I can't even begin to describe what an emotional and fulfilling week this was. In fact, I can't even begin to describe what an emotional and fulfilling semester this was.

It was soul-filling, infuriating, frustrating, anxiety-inducing, hilarious, enlightening, moving, inspiring, nauseating, interminable, and over in a second...

Here are some highlights of a truly momentous week:

"You look stressed. Is there something I can help you with?"--one of the young men in the play, restoring my faith in the next generation.

Mentor teacher: Stop flirting with the student-teacher!
Student: "Student" is the key word!

Mentor teacher: Do a little "peas and carrots, peas and carrots." (coaching the student to mime talking on stage)
Student: I'm allergic to vegetables!

"Isn't it important to go up to a tree and just listen?"--my philosopher intro student, who is the only person I totally broke down with when we said goodbye tonight.

An exchange after an intro group's final scene presentation:
Me: What were they doing that other groups weren't?
Student: Acting!
...He was right, but I was expecting a different answer.

"I'm gonna miss you like a fat kid on a diet misses cake."--one of my 8th graders when I reminded them today would be my last day.

An example of how my professionalism slipped this week, after spending long after-school hours:
Student: This packet's too long.
Me: You're too long.
(Honestly, I didn't mean it like that...and I managed not to laugh when I said it.)

"Buttocks. Sweaty!"--an 8th grader's reason for needing to buy a bottle of water.

"How you gonna tell me where I take a dump?"--another 8th grader's emphatic argument when someone challenged his...routine.

And, as I said goodbye at the end of the 8th grade class, my final one today:
Me (to Student A): Be good!
Student A: I'll try.
Me (to Student B): Be good!
Student B: No!

Exactly.

Overheard in the Classroom (or Kids These Days), vol. XII

This was a ridiculously long, stressful week. I worked late at the school Monday, had my last days of work with RM Tuesday and Wednesday; Wednesday and Thursday were my final classes at Emerson, and were 16 hours and 12 hours long, respectively. Thursday night, I was stranded downtown for half an hour because all the trains stopped running after an electrical fire in a station, and today, I had my final in-class observation for my licensure and worked with the kids at rehearsal until 6.

I feel jet-lagged.

And really proud of myself.

Here are the highlights of a very...full week.

"You dress old!"--a crew member to me, putting me in my rightful place after rehearsal, after I joked about dressing up like this. I was offended.

Same crew member: "It's weird when adults use Facebook."
Me: "Everyone YOU know is in this room! Why do YOU need a social networking site?"

"If she can do that, she can friend me on Facebook."--one of my faves, after my mentor teacher asked if I could sit in his lap, when I stepped in for his scene partner during a rehearsal. I didn't.

I introduced my special ed kids to an undergrad student who was assisting me for the day: "We go to the same school."
Special ed student: "You're roommates?"
Me: "No. We just go to the same school."
Special ed student: "Since you were little girls?"
Me: "No."
Special ed student: "Oh. I thought I heard that you had known each other for a very long time."
Me: "Where did you get that?"
Special ed student: "I think I get it from my mother's side."

"You're a man, right? So you have a disability about communication."--my mentor teacher telling it like it is to some 15-year-old boys in the intro class. They were offended.

"I'm so bored!"--one of my 8th graders, at 830 in the morning, before we'd done anything.

"That's granny! She ain't no secretary!"--a senior, appalled at our advice that her friend pull her short skirt down.

"Is having a kid really as bad as people say?"--one of the crew members, genuinely curious.

"Alright...I love you..."--an 8th grader, improvising at the end of the scene, during which he was playing a cop taking a phone call from a kid whose friend had been bullied. It was so wrong but so funny.

"Are we getting paid for this?!"--an 8th grader, at the end of the period they spent helping paint the set for the play.

"You know what I wanna see? A body after it's been dead for a year."--one of the kids in the play, which makes me conclude, yet again, that teenagers are so weird.

Overheard in the Classroom (or Kids These Days), vol. VIII

"You're much funnier than my other teachers."--one of my special ed kids, giving me news that made my day. (And, yes, I'm taking it as a compliment.)

"Wait! I have a sorution."--no, that is not a typo. One of my 8th graders (I believe he's Vietnamese) does the fool-proof joke of totally offensively pronouncing l's as r's. It's honestly one of my favorite gimmicks in real life, so I laugh every time. Inappropriately.

I had my 8th graders come up with production team names. They decided they were going to be called "Oreos on the CEILING" and "I Don't Respect Your Wontons Covered in White Chocolate." I decided not to ask for their reasoning.

"Geez, I'm getting old."--one of my special ed kids, after laboriously pulling herself off the floor. I laughed forever.

"I'm black again."--my favorite student, reentering the room and stating the obvious, with a twist.

"You know, you can turn around and be like 'Bitch!'"--this was me, slipping up in my intro class, as I explained how they could improvise dialogue during their stage combat scenes. Then I turned purple and we all cracked up for like minutes. OOPS!

UPDATE: "I smell like a ball!"--an intro student, after I told her her lotion smelled musky and then, when I looked up the word to define it for her, we realized the origin of it is testicle.

Overheard in the Classroom (or Kids These Days), vol. V

What a strange, long week it's been. I began solo teaching my 8th graders and my special ed group. It's been a mad rollercoaster but has gone mostly smoothly, which I'm excited about.

"Martini on the rocks, no ice."--a very committed intro student's request in a short scene. He said it with such conviction.

"Because I'm a Cancer, I have to ask this. Because it's theatre...what will the girls be like?"--the same intro student, inquiring about the pool of ladies that would be present at a high school theatre festival.

"Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You're too kind."--a special ed student's remarks as she bowed after her presentation.

"I don't even remember how to use this."--an intro student's comment as he attempted to use a manual pencil sharpener.

"I don't have girlfriends. I have affiliations."--the same intro student who asked about the girl situation at the high school fest. He is swiftly becoming my favorite student...

I am a Pop Culture Genius, vol. XII: the Broadway edition

This weekend, I watched four films.

I also did a huge list of other things, including, but not limited to: two loads of laundry, writing and rewriting lesson plans, updating my resume, and applying to four jobs. Things I did not do this weekend include showering, eating a proper meal, and leaving my bed on Saturday.

Ahem...

However, in the films I watched, I recognized some vaguely familiar faces.

Abuela Claudia played the mother of a young student of Meryl Streep's Roberta Guaspari in Music of the Heart.

And this guy, whom I recognized from Half Nelson, where he played the dad but who also played Doolittle on Broadway in Pygmalion and Bottom in the Shakespeare in the Park version of Midsummer Night's Dream, played her love interest.

Exciting, no?

Well...I thought it was.

Don't Be a Leader...

Be a follower!

I want to direct your attention to the column on the left, humbly entitled "all the cool kids are doing it."

It is my new obsession. I check my blog many times a day to see who's reading and if I know them and how they found me. It's pretty fun and satisfying, and I appreciate everyone who has become a follower.

You're truly making me want to WRITE!

And all I ever really want is an audience. I mean, in May, I'll have two degrees in theatre, for God's sake.

Attention, Everyone Else, YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO BECOME A FOLLOWER! DO IT!

As a reward, you will be provided with tales from yours truly, ranging from slightly-amusing to hilarious to mortifying.

Thank you.