AI Finale

It’s only 7:36 PM on American Idol Finale night, and I almost expect there to be a pre-show. Like on the Oscar telecast. Hey! Ryan Seacrest could meet and greet the audience members, like he does on E! during award shows, and then host the show. That fool is really all over the place.

There’s a heated debate going on on MSNBC.com about who will win. One writer says Jordin has the most potential to be a pop star, that Blake is just a gimmick. The other says Blake has the greatest potential to really crank out hits. Based on last night’s performances, I think Jordin deserves to win, but if the song order had been different and Blake had ended with “You Give Love a Bad Name,” I might have changed my tune. Either way, it’s all pretty exciting. I have butterflies. Which show should I liveblog next?

HAHA! I just turned on Fox. And there was, in fact, a red carpet special. How silly.

I’ve watched 49 hours of this show? Good lord.

Jordin and Blake are singing their first duet together, “I Saw Her Standing There.” She IS just 17. How clever. It’s like Donny and Marie, except way hotter and less incestuous. And she towers over him. How tall is Jordin, you think? 5’10”?

Now for some reason we’ve shifted to Gwen Stefani on tour, singing “Four in the Morning.” I guess they do have to somehow fill 2 hours. What about the star-studded duets? Remember Elliott and Mary J from last season? That was some good TV filler. This just strikes me as awkward. Ryan assures us that more surprises are on the way, so I expect to be gobsmacked.

(They’re playing From Justin to Kelly on VH1. I rented this movie once and was mortified when the person behind the counter literally announced it to the rest of the store. It was like being at a pharmacy and having the cashier ask for a price check for the laxative you’re buying over the intercom. Or whatever that story is.)

Good for Kelly for making another AI appearance, singing “Never Again.” And good for Fox for supporting her new “uncommercial” CD. This is a better outfit choice than the muumuu she wore on “Idol Gives Back” night. But she’s just not looking her best. My December, out June 26. Who’s excited?

The 2nd Annual Golden Idol Awards highlights some of the strange and fascinating auditioners we saw at the beginning of the season. Remember X-centric? He thought he was a panther. Isadora Thurman sang orgasms. Margaret Fowler dressed like Old Fat Big Bird. Fowler is there to pick up her award for Best Presentation and squeeze a last second or two out of her less than 15 minutes of fame. And make out with Ryan. Vomit. There is no way that woman is sober.

Suddenly, the Top 6 guys are singing an arrangement of some unnamed song by David Thomas of Take 6. Phil still sounds like the strongest male singer that was in the competition. But Brandon also sounds great, further convincing me that we lost him entirely too early. And there’s Smokey Robinson, two feet from the boys. Very cool. I can’t help but notice how excited they all are to sing with him, during “Tears of a Clown.” Still, these aren’t exactly thrills and chills. I haven’t even cried yet!

Barry B., Blake Lewis, and Doug E. Fresh are now doing something chaotic. I’m confused. But Blake has certainly been working hard this week, hasn’t he? HE SOUNDS LIKE A MACHINE! Oh my God. This one gets a thrill and chill factor for sure. I can’t stop grinning.

Nicholas Zittman (the one who sang Unchained Melody with crazy eyes), Sandy Chavez (singing something unrecognizable…oh yeah, it’s Black Velvet), and Someone Stallworth (singing something really loudly) are nominees for Most Original Vocal. Stallworth won. Does anyone care?

And the Top 6 girls are singing next. I miss some of them a little bit. Remember Stephanie? Ooh! Gladys Knight is joining them. Hey, how come Melinda hasn’t sung yet? OK, I just got a little weepy watching how excited Jordin was to be singing with Ms. Knight. Oh good. Go, Melinda, go!! Sing with your future self. No gobsmackage, per se. But it’s only 8:43, and that was all pretty entertaining.

(This should really be a separate entry, but I just recognized Anika Noni Rose playing Kelly’s friend in From Justin to Kelly. I guess her career had nowhere to go but up from there. It’s like 6 Degrees of American Idol. You know, with the whole Jennifer Hudson of Dreamgirls connection.)

Tony Bennett is back, since he couldn’t perform in April because he had the flu. He’s singing “For Once in My Life.” For the record, I think one day Paula should just get up onstage during a show and remind us of her early 1990s self. I bet she can still tap dance like she did here. (Isn’t this entry chockfull of extra goodies? I think it must be because I’m bored.)

More nominees for the 2nd Annual Golden Idol Awards. I refuse to write anymore about them though. I’m sure none of you mind.

Melinda gets her own trio with BeBe and CeCe Winans, for whom she used to sing backup. I hope this doesn’t mean she’s going to record a gospel album. Her joy is palpable though, so if this is the kind of music that will make her this happy to sing, who am I to dispute that?

So “Time After Time” just makes me cry everytime. Best Ford ad yet. And the finalists just both won new Mustangs, and then Blake did a mediocre Borat impression. Do the finalists always get new cars at the season finale?

Carrie Underwood is now singing “I’ll Stand by You.” Is she wearing a dress? Is it a shirt? I just don’t know!

Clive Davis is there to present some other award. He mentions Chris Daughtry and his great success this year—“biggest selling artist of the year” success. Taylor who? He thanks the judges for finding 6 years of such great talent, and then he presents Carrie Underwood with a plaque noting her 6,000,000 album sales in the U.S. Surprises still M.I.A.

The African Children’s Choir is back and obviously very excited. They’re pretty adorable. I could hear this track over a hot dance beat. It could totally be a hit. Ay yeah mamaaaa ay yeah yeahhhhh. It’s like the new Hustle. There’s even a dance break already built in.

And Sanjaya is suddenly being mentioned in the same sentence with Ghandi. I guess his 15 minutes aren’t over yet. He gets to perform live with Joe Perry, repeating his “You Really Got Me” performance, sans ponyhawk. Crying girl looks downright terrified this time. Maybe the wind machine is scaring her.

Next, it’s Green Day with John Lennon’s “Working Class Hero.” Geez, nobody can refuse the American Idol train these days. Whatever happened to punk rock? I suppose it is for a good cause. That was really good boys, but where are Blake and Jordin?! I’m getting antsy.

Hey! Look who it is. Taylor Hicks. Has anyone seen him since last year’s finale? He’s still gray-haired but he is, indeed, skinnier. Now, why do we think Taylor isn’t doing well? This song is good! It sounds like it could play during the end credits of a smart, sexy comedy, perhaps one starring Will Smith.

Jordin is finally up again, singing “You’re All I Need to Get By” with Ruben Studdard. Rubin is, in fact, not any skinnier. She looks very comfortable onstage, doesn’t she? I’ve got nothing bad to say about that.

Oh good lord. No, they did not just put Bette Midler onstage. And no, she is not actually singing “Wind Beneath My Wings.” It’s like they know me! I’m not even going to ask what exactly this has to do with the show because she’s so fantastic. Even Randy and Paula are moved to slowdance and flap their arms like wings. Jerry Springer was obviously moved too.

OK, this has GOT to be the last commercial break. Maybe I won’t liveblog another show right away. This is exhausting. So far though, Blake wins for the thrill factor of the night. He’s electric. (Boogy woogy woogy.)
Oh! A Beatles tribute. Of course. Let’s count the celebrities: Kelly Clarkson (doing the Running Man and sounding all sung out on “Sgt. Pepper’s”) with Joe Perry, Taylor Hicks (with “A Day in the Life”), Carrie Underwood (with “She’s Leaving Home”) and the Top 6 girls, Ruben Studdard (with “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds”) and the Top 12. And all of them singing “A Little Help from my Friends.” I love all the black and silver, by the way, especially Blake’s My Chemical Romance jacket.

I guess that means there’s one more commercial break, even though it’s 9:58. This may be the longest thing I’ve ever written in my entire life. I’m all Idoled out, and I haven’t really moved in two hours.

Let’s get on with it. I have to watch the Real World: Denver Reunion on MTV.

I feel like I haven’t seen either contestant in weeks. Where have they been all night? The winner of American Idol is…JORDIN SPARKS! Were the tears last night fake? She’s not crying enough for my taste. She’s a great singer, but I’m glad I won’t have to watch her pretend to be moved anymore.

No more Idol until January?! What am I going to do?! What are any of us going to do? Oh, the HUMANITY!

Promise me you’ll all keep reading my blog even though I won’t be writing about this show every week. Thank you and good night.